Gods Watching You

Dear John Dear,

I have a problem, you see I have been told by my teachers and my parents that masturbation is a bad thing. But programs on the TV and even some articles that I have read have told me that it's actually good for me. I really don't know what's the right answer or what would be a good defense for either. Do you think that you could help me when it comes to taking matters into my own hands?

Master Debater


Dear Master Debater,

First off, I would like to get a few terms out of my system so that I can get down to the meat of the question and beat it. Beat the meat, wrestle the one eyed monster, choke the chicken, jerk the turkey, pull the pud, the five knuckle shuffle,(for women) flicking the bean , diving in with digits, spelling "G-spot" with sign language, and many other clever terms for masturbation.
Masturbation is simply stimulating yourself until you reach a climax. With a definition as simple as that it HAS to come with a lot of extra stigma.
You said that your teachers/parents say it's bad, while articles say it's good for your health. Well they are both wrong in their own way. Your parents will simply tell you is bad for you because it's bad for them; to walk in on you doing it. Not only does this mean they will see you in a less than dignified situation, and no parent wants that image burned into the back of their eyes. They also have a deep seeded fear of you doing the same to them.
While the "articles" would like you to think it's good for your health because they want you to buy more "articles" featuring women with rabbit ears in less than covered situations.
The truth is that masturbation is completely health neutral, which means that it will not do anything bad for your body, but in your full hand, your not kidding anyone when you say your doing it for your health. Just Do It For Pleasure!
You won't grow hairy palms, and your eyesight is predetermined by genetics. Although on the other empty hand, despite some studies that have came out stating that regular masturbation will reduce your chance of cancer has not been proven and even if their are advantages they are just as equal to drinking some grape juice.
Now I know some of you and you're out there saying, "Hey; John Dear, a well publicized and intelligent advice and help columnist, says Jerking off is Great so I'll start doing it today and end some time next week." That's NOT what I'm saying at all!
In fact there are some pro's and con's to it.
The Pro's:
It feels good!
Finding out what your body likes will help you with future partners
(This is highly recommended for women, and should be shared with your partner)
Checking your undercarriage regularly is one of the strongest ways to discover cancers or possible sexual transmitted diseases.
A quick release is a good way to shrug off some stress, this happens because, just as during sex when you come to climax your brain releases endorphins which create a calming and relaxed feeling to melt over your body.

The Con's:
It can become an addiction. Because it feels good and because of the release of endorphins(just like with Heroin and other opiates.) This feeling causes a chemical reaction in your brain and just like drugs this feeling can cause you to become an addict. True it's gotta be one of the cheapest addictions there is around, but still you try going to a beaters-anonymous meeting (Sex Addict Anonymous)
If you become a heavy user you can, if you try to stop, go through withdraw. Just think of Caffeine Withdraw. The only problem with this is that unlike drug addictions where you have to "score," or some other 80's term for acquiring drugs, to get that high back. All you have to do to get this high back, is some private time and an active imagination.
Also just like drug addiction you can build up a tolerance to it, which means more sessions, which means more chaffing. Or even worse the use of toys, drugs, or devices, not to mention the use of auto-erotic asphyxiation (choking yourself till you pass out) not only is this STUPID!!! It's also dangerous, nearly 1,000 deaths a year, and possible brain damage.

So please do it the old fashioned way, just a hand and deep thoughts. Keep it down to what you can consider a minimum. If you want to kick it up a notch add a person. As long as your stimulating yourself and you don't get any fluids on each other this is 100% safe. No STD's and no chance of pregnancy.(And if your a stickler for details you can still call yourself a virgin.) Just make sure the other person is aware and alright with you doing this around them.

I think that this has given you some facts that will help with the "debating" and hopefully it has answered the question of weather it's right for you. Because some people just don't get off on getting themselves off. It's all in your hands, so to speak.

John Dear

P.S I would like to add a little homework to this one, If you read this please go to the bottom and add your own term for masturbation. You can post 100% anonymously and as always I like to hear if you have any extra questions/comments on the subject. Thanks