Quick Question #3

Dear John Dear,

Here's something that has always bothered me.
Why do we Drive on Parkways and Park on Driveways?
Confused Driver

Dear Confused,

Really it just comes down to the fact that things will change without changing the name.
Parkways refer more to a location than to an action. Parkways are usually found enclosed by... Class? That's right parks, they have long scenic views going along on both sides of the road. Even though Driveways don't describe a location it is more likely still descriptive. Driveways were actually long drives from a main road that lead up to the main house on the property. While now they are short blocks of cement that lead a matter of 10 - 15 feet up to a garage. So in short you do drive on a driveway, even if it's a short distance, and there is a park near a parkway. Good luck and hope the English language isn't so fuckie for you in the future.

John Dear

Death and Taxes

Dear John Dear,

Yeah I have a good question sir. I've gotten pretty involved in talk about life, death, love, etc., but I still am terrified of the idea of death. Even though I know it will happen to every single one of us, I can't except it. I don't understand it, so why would I want to accept the ONLY inevitable thing that will happen to me if I don't understand what's going to happen to me? It makes my life negative and stressful.

Please Help,
Staying Alive (CP)


Dear Alive,

You kinda answered your own question. The best reason to simply accept it is just so you won't stress and be all negative like. Just think of it this way, If you never did anything that could possibly kill you then you literally would never do ANYTHING! I mean even staying in bed all day will cause bed soars, and eating could make you choke. Bathing could make you slip and break your neck, and you can accidentally smother in your sleep.
If there was a way to count every persons near death experiences then everyones number would be over a billion and thats only the first ten years of your life.
The biggest plus to accepting death allows you to take adventures and have fun. Because Like you said its inevitable, everyone will die at some time. So you have to enjoy the time you have left because as far as you know you may die in the next ten minutes. Now which would you rather do? Would you sweat over the next ten minutes, or would you have a laugh with a good friend?
You gotta treat every minute as your last, food will taste sweeter and you life will be full of fun, friends, and memories.
I have asked myself many times what I would do if I was told when exactly I would die. Would I try to stop it or count every second till it happens? No, I would like to think that I would make every second count! I would enjoy those last years, months, second. Because I know I have friends, family, and good memories that will allow myself to live on forever. Thats the only true way to be immortal. To leave a piece of yourself in the hearts of those who love and care about you. If you are in the hearts and memories of those people you will never die, you will live forever in their hearts and memories, and those stories will pass on to the next generation and so on after that.
So Make 'em count, and just think about the type of memories you wish to leave after your gone.

Live Long and Prosper,
John Dear


If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com

Quick Question #2

WHY THE CAGED BIRD POOPS

Dear John Dear,

I just washed my car, it was clean top to bottom. Why, when I walk away for a few hours is it covered in bird shit? My question to you is why do birds target clean cars?

Clean then Crap



Dear CtC,

Animals shit, all of them do it. Birds simply don't have the muscle structure so that they can't hold it. This means that they will go where ever they are when they need to go. Now the reason behind the car specific pooing can be explained by a few things.
Because people like to keep cool in the summer they are more than likely to park under trees, and what's in trees, that's right, leaves. But that is another questions all together.(see Once Burned Twice Shy) But what's next to the leaves thats right birds.
It can also be possibly that seeing how a car baking in the hot sun will produce a whole lot of heat and this heat to a bird means easy lift without any work. So they can be found flying around cars more because of the convenience.
Now the most likely reason that birds seem to crap on clean cars is...
That when you clean your car your more likely to notice dirt on your car. While on the other hand if your car is dirty you don't care what or who craps on your car (Including my Aunt Jenny, a few beer and a large brownie, and my car looks like a big green toilet.)
So my suggestion to keep your car clean is: Cover your Car, Place it in your garage, Park in place where birds can't reach(bottom of ocean) or keep a vigil eye and a shotgun nearby at all times.
Good luck and Hope your clean car doesn't lead to a crappy day.

John Dear


If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com

Ponder the Poke

Dear John Dear,

I have a question, it's about my boyfriend, and I'm a little embarrassed. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months months now, and we are sexually active, but we haven't ever gone all the way. So far we have only performed oral, and experimented with mutual masturbation; that's all. I have told him before and many times since that I don't want to get pregnant yet. He told me that it was fine and he didn't want to make that step either. Recently he has been talking to me about a way to have sex and not get pregnant. Anal Sex! I'm really not comfortable talking about it with him and no where near sure weather we should do it. Can you help me come up with a way to let him down?

Please help,

Scared but...

Dear Scared, The quickest and best answer to your question is to just, tell him. Tell him your not ready for that type of... commitment. If you were able to be open and honest about not have vaginal sex then you should be able to talk about your tush. Plus if you can't talk about it it's a good sign your not ready for this yet. I also have to give you two props, first is props on you finding a nice loop hole around the whole "abstinence only" movement. Besides not working, its totally not fun. I'm all for SAFE sex, and everyone should be aware about it. Second is good for you as counting Oral and Digital (thats digit as in fingers not e-mail) sex as being sex. Only too many people don't count it. "I didn't cheat on my girlfriend, I only went down on him." Or "It's not sex because it's not sexual organ against sexual organ." To that I simply point out that to some people a mouth or other wise is a very sexy part. Boobies are a personal favorite for me. I think of them as sexy organs as much a my own little soldier. Sex is any consenting contact that you can contract a sexual disease from. Yes that can count sharing sexual toys/Guitar Hero controller, remember that old verbiage of, "Wrap your frets; before you sweat! Now back to the question again, I think that you used the excuse of "not getting pregnant" as just that, an excuse.
Because if your even considering having anal sex you should think about starting with something a little easier such as safe sex.
Not only should it feel better, with the right precautions its nearly 100% safe. With a combination of Birth controls pills, Condoms, Spermicide, and the withdraw method. It simply makes it nearly impossible to become pregnant.
But if it's just the fact of having something foreign in you whoohaa, and you would simply rather go ahead but the butt sex then I have some advice for ya.
1) Don't do it like a porn star.
The anus isn't designed to be barreled into. You should have plenty of lube and stimulate the "opening" with your/his fingers (if fingering your butt turns you/him off you shouldn't proceed) then with him wearing a condom and even more lube take it slow and steady. Take many breaks and and keep hydrated.
2) Beware or ripping and heavy bleeding, there are just some places that a band-aid and a kiss from mommy won't heal.
3) If he's all for it ask him if you can do it to him first. If your willing to give you have to be able to receive. If he's not willing to be pegged in the pooper then why should you?
4) If at anytime your worried or cringed about any mention of poo then you just aren't ready to move onto this act of sex yet.

So I hope this helped and If either yourself and your boyfriend has been sexually active before, then it would also be a good idea for a few test(not the paper kind) Before you continue with anything else physical.

Good luck and remember Safe sex first = Lots of sex later!

John Dear



If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com

My poor attempt at Advertisement

Just drop me a question!

Quick Question #1

Dear John Dear,

After watching Shaun of the Dead, I have a question. Can dogs look up? Good luck answering that one.

"The answer is yes,"
Tough Question Ted

Dear Ted,

Your half right, It is a tough question, but the answer isn't a simple yes.

The answer is actually both yes and no.
Dogs can't look straight up when they are standing,on all fours. They can only look up within their range of eye movement. Although, when they are sitting, they are then able to move their heads up and this allows them to look straight up.
Being mammals this is also true for humans too.
No, really. Try it yourself. Get on all fours, and make sure your back is parallel to the floor just like a dogs would be. Look at a point straight in front of you.(see model 01) Then look at the ceiling. You cant do it!!! And neither can a dog but if you sit up so your back is at an angle you can look up.
I hope this helps and I'm sure a lot of you will start an argument at the bar about this and will either school them or have to mind your P's and Q's(pints and quarts) when the brawl start.

Good luck in looking up, and as always keep the questions coming.

John Dear

Dating Advice Or How Not to get Slapped

Dear John Dear,

Recently my sister has caused no end of embarrassment for me. For roughly the last two or three months I've had a HUGE crush on this girl I work with. We have spent some social time, and went to bars and shit like that, but always with a group of friends. She had been through a few bad relationships, got 3 great kids by 3 deadbeat guys,heart of gold, do anything to help someone, and anything to make a person happy, funny and outgoing, but she's been dating around lately and has a guy now. Well to get back to the embarrassment, my sister, notices that I have a crush on her and starts to text her from work and asks her, "What would you say if my baby bro was to ask you out on a date?" well I never knew this was happening, and my Sister and Crushgirl(who is 6 years older than me) text for a while, and she says yes! She would like to go on a date with me, but doesn't want to get serious. She just wants to get closer as friends and possibly work into a relationship, but not a serious one. Sister told Crushgirl not to say anything to me about the conversation. Well at break I find out and I shit you not; you could have started a California forest fire off my left ear alone. Well after getting teased about it all day; I finally text Crushgirl about it and see for myself. As it turns out she is flattered about the whole thing. She said that I hid it well, and that I was a very sweet guy. She also said I was easy to talk to and pretty damn funny. If you knew me, you would know, I cannot be funny around women at all. After all of this she told me, "We'll have to play it by ear on the whole dating thing. Now for the last 2 days we haven't talked at all. Because of this I've been sick the whole time I've been at work , they tease me about being in love; its not that, I just don't feel good.
So, here comes the "asking for advise part." How can I defend myself against the teasing when I'm not really in love but have feelings for a woman that is in need of a job and money and needs to take care of the family that she has? How can I hide the fact that I do have feelings for her without everyone really noticing. I've tried changing the subject but they say I'm trying to avoid the subject, it true, I just dont want everyone getting in my kool-aid. Yes I just went old-school.

Please Help Me John Dear,
Tongue Tied and Tortured


Dear Tortured Tongue,

Wow, That's a lot of back story for such a simple question, I think you're asking for more than what you think you're asking. I will cover those here in a second, but first.
The best way to protect yourself from teasing or hazing from your coworkers is to separate your social live from your work life. You can do this by two ways.
1) You can make sure to do everything in secret, making sure no one who can possibly link you with your girl to someone who works with you. Think about meeting in seedy motel rooms in dead towns, and having dinner in trucker bars two states away. All the while making sure that if anyone does see you and recognized you. You must TAKE THEM OUT! Luckily that seedy motel is the perfect place to leave them no one will notice the stink till the money runs out.
2) You can simply not date or do anything social with any of your coworkers. This might limit your friends and fornication, but its one of the only ways to avoid hazing at work.
Now hazing is a part of everyones job, from a fast food chain, to the Grand Jury. It's a part of the job and it's just a way for people to open their arms and welcome you into their group.
The only sure fire way to hide your feeling from your coworkers about a girl, is to not have them. Sooner or later someone will notice something and from that point it's just a matter of time till it gets to the groups lead hazer. Rater than just trying to change the subject, which you yourself said it was to try to get their minds off of it, and being called out. Don't feed the fire. They tease you about this because they can tell that it gets under your skin, or in your case is trying to get in your pants. The only way to take the focus is to find them a new subject and let them haze someone else for a change. (This will only work till its brought back on you; and might cause some problems with the new target.)
The best way to deal with hazing if its not truly negative. Is to simply roll with the punches. Laugh about it, make a joke about it that will make them laugh. Once they see you're able to laugh about it, they know they don't have any more ammo. Although if you feel that they are doing this to hurt you, or if it gets too personal. You need to go to a supervisor! Thats when hazing becomes harassment! Only you can tell if their hazing is hurting you or affecting your job. You said that you were feeling sick, was it caused because you felt bad about being hazed? If so you need to tell a supervisor and let them know this has gotten out of hand and is affecting your work.
Now to get to some of the unasked questions.
Seeing how I'm simply going off the information that you have given me and I don't know any of these characters this is kinda guess work. Some of it might easily be written off as being background.
You had mentioned that she was older than you. There is no problem with an older woman. As long as you don't have a problem with it. Women are very rarely looking for boys. They want someone who is mentally and emotionally strong enough for everything they might throw at them. Every one can act childish, but you must be able to be the adult they need; even more so if they have children. I also understand that your sister is the cause of all this. She is the one who turned your quiet pining to a full out confrontation. I know that sisters will be sisters and she might have known that you wouldn't have made a move without her help, or she just wanted some drama. Either way its up to you to decide if your mentally prepared for this move.
What she had done is just the equivalent to handing you a whip and throwing you in a pit of lions. Its just the same because if your being thrown into a relationship you're not ready for, then they both end with you getting eaten up. If you take your time and build up your friendship with the person then once you both decide to make the next step and become an item; then you have placed the foundation of a long lasting relationship.
Just take your time and allow the friendship to grow. You both will know when it's the right time to make that move, or you might find out that "this one simply isn't the one for me." The plus side to doing it this way is you'll at least have a good friend, and maybe some fun along the way.
Just remember if it does move on make sure to wrap your wee-wee.

Hope this helped and good luck,
John Dear




If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com