Dear John Dear,
Recently my sister has caused no end of embarrassment for me. For roughly the last two or three months I've had a HUGE crush on this girl I work with. We have spent some social time, and went to bars and shit like that, but always with a group of friends. She had been through a few bad relationships, got 3 great kids by 3 deadbeat guys,heart of gold, do anything to help someone, and anything to make a person happy, funny and outgoing, but she's been dating around lately and has a guy now. Well to get back to the embarrassment, my sister, notices that I have a crush on her and starts to text her from work and asks her, "What would you say if my baby bro was to ask you out on a date?" well I never knew this was happening, and my Sister and Crushgirl(who is 6 years older than me) text for a while, and she says yes! She would like to go on a date with me, but doesn't want to get serious. She just wants to get closer as friends and possibly work into a relationship, but not a serious one. Sister told Crushgirl not to say anything to me about the conversation. Well at break I find out and I shit you not; you could have started a California forest fire off my left ear alone. Well after getting teased about it all day; I finally text Crushgirl about it and see for myself. As it turns out she is flattered about the whole thing. She said that I hid it well, and that I was a very sweet guy. She also said I was easy to talk to and pretty damn funny. If you knew me, you would know, I cannot be funny around women at all. After all of this she told me, "We'll have to play it by ear on the whole dating thing. Now for the last 2 days we haven't talked at all. Because of this I've been sick the whole time I've been at work , they tease me about being in love; its not that, I just don't feel good.
So, here comes the "asking for advise part." How can I defend myself against the teasing when I'm not really in love but have feelings for a woman that is in need of a job and money and needs to take care of the family that she has? How can I hide the fact that I do have feelings for her without everyone really noticing. I've tried changing the subject but they say I'm trying to avoid the subject, it true, I just dont want everyone getting in my kool-aid. Yes I just went old-school.
Please Help Me John Dear,
Tongue Tied and Tortured
Dear Tortured Tongue,
Wow, That's a lot of back story for such a simple question, I think you're asking for more than what you think you're asking. I will cover those here in a second, but first.
The best way to protect yourself from teasing or hazing from your coworkers is to separate your social live from your work life. You can do this by two ways.
1) You can make sure to do everything in secret, making sure no one who can possibly link you with your girl to someone who works with you. Think about meeting in seedy motel rooms in dead towns, and having dinner in trucker bars two states away. All the while making sure that if anyone does see you and recognized you. You must TAKE THEM OUT! Luckily that seedy motel is the perfect place to leave them no one will notice the stink till the money runs out.
2) You can simply not date or do anything social with any of your coworkers. This might limit your friends and fornication, but its one of the only ways to avoid hazing at work.
Now hazing is a part of everyones job, from a fast food chain, to the Grand Jury. It's a part of the job and it's just a way for people to open their arms and welcome you into their group.
The only sure fire way to hide your feeling from your coworkers about a girl, is to not have them. Sooner or later someone will notice something and from that point it's just a matter of time till it gets to the groups lead hazer. Rater than just trying to change the subject, which you yourself said it was to try to get their minds off of it, and being called out. Don't feed the fire. They tease you about this because they can tell that it gets under your skin, or in your case is trying to get in your pants. The only way to take the focus is to find them a new subject and let them haze someone else for a change. (This will only work till its brought back on you; and might cause some problems with the new target.)
The best way to deal with hazing if its not truly negative. Is to simply roll with the punches. Laugh about it, make a joke about it that will make them laugh. Once they see you're able to laugh about it, they know they don't have any more ammo. Although if you feel that they are doing this to hurt you, or if it gets too personal. You need to go to a supervisor! Thats when hazing becomes harassment! Only you can tell if their hazing is hurting you or affecting your job. You said that you were feeling sick, was it caused because you felt bad about being hazed? If so you need to tell a supervisor and let them know this has gotten out of hand and is affecting your work.
Now to get to some of the unasked questions.
Seeing how I'm simply going off the information that you have given me and I don't know any of these characters this is kinda guess work. Some of it might easily be written off as being background.
You had mentioned that she was older than you. There is no problem with an older woman. As long as you don't have a problem with it. Women are very rarely looking for boys. They want someone who is mentally and emotionally strong enough for everything they might throw at them. Every one can act childish, but you must be able to be the adult they need; even more so if they have children. I also understand that your sister is the cause of all this. She is the one who turned your quiet pining to a full out confrontation. I know that sisters will be sisters and she might have known that you wouldn't have made a move without her help, or she just wanted some drama. Either way its up to you to decide if your mentally prepared for this move.
What she had done is just the equivalent to handing you a whip and throwing you in a pit of lions. Its just the same because if your being thrown into a relationship you're not ready for, then they both end with you getting eaten up. If you take your time and build up your friendship with the person then once you both decide to make the next step and become an item; then you have placed the foundation of a long lasting relationship.
Just take your time and allow the friendship to grow. You both will know when it's the right time to make that move, or you might find out that "this one simply isn't the one for me." The plus side to doing it this way is you'll at least have a good friend, and maybe some fun along the way.
Just remember if it does move on make sure to wrap your wee-wee.
Hope this helped and good luck,
John Dear
If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com
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