Gods Watching You

Dear John Dear,

I have a problem, you see I have been told by my teachers and my parents that masturbation is a bad thing. But programs on the TV and even some articles that I have read have told me that it's actually good for me. I really don't know what's the right answer or what would be a good defense for either. Do you think that you could help me when it comes to taking matters into my own hands?

Master Debater


Dear Master Debater,

First off, I would like to get a few terms out of my system so that I can get down to the meat of the question and beat it. Beat the meat, wrestle the one eyed monster, choke the chicken, jerk the turkey, pull the pud, the five knuckle shuffle,(for women) flicking the bean , diving in with digits, spelling "G-spot" with sign language, and many other clever terms for masturbation.
Masturbation is simply stimulating yourself until you reach a climax. With a definition as simple as that it HAS to come with a lot of extra stigma.
You said that your teachers/parents say it's bad, while articles say it's good for your health. Well they are both wrong in their own way. Your parents will simply tell you is bad for you because it's bad for them; to walk in on you doing it. Not only does this mean they will see you in a less than dignified situation, and no parent wants that image burned into the back of their eyes. They also have a deep seeded fear of you doing the same to them.
While the "articles" would like you to think it's good for your health because they want you to buy more "articles" featuring women with rabbit ears in less than covered situations.
The truth is that masturbation is completely health neutral, which means that it will not do anything bad for your body, but in your full hand, your not kidding anyone when you say your doing it for your health. Just Do It For Pleasure!
You won't grow hairy palms, and your eyesight is predetermined by genetics. Although on the other empty hand, despite some studies that have came out stating that regular masturbation will reduce your chance of cancer has not been proven and even if their are advantages they are just as equal to drinking some grape juice.
Now I know some of you and you're out there saying, "Hey; John Dear, a well publicized and intelligent advice and help columnist, says Jerking off is Great so I'll start doing it today and end some time next week." That's NOT what I'm saying at all!
In fact there are some pro's and con's to it.
The Pro's:
It feels good!
Finding out what your body likes will help you with future partners
(This is highly recommended for women, and should be shared with your partner)
Checking your undercarriage regularly is one of the strongest ways to discover cancers or possible sexual transmitted diseases.
A quick release is a good way to shrug off some stress, this happens because, just as during sex when you come to climax your brain releases endorphins which create a calming and relaxed feeling to melt over your body.

The Con's:
It can become an addiction. Because it feels good and because of the release of endorphins(just like with Heroin and other opiates.) This feeling causes a chemical reaction in your brain and just like drugs this feeling can cause you to become an addict. True it's gotta be one of the cheapest addictions there is around, but still you try going to a beaters-anonymous meeting (Sex Addict Anonymous)
If you become a heavy user you can, if you try to stop, go through withdraw. Just think of Caffeine Withdraw. The only problem with this is that unlike drug addictions where you have to "score," or some other 80's term for acquiring drugs, to get that high back. All you have to do to get this high back, is some private time and an active imagination.
Also just like drug addiction you can build up a tolerance to it, which means more sessions, which means more chaffing. Or even worse the use of toys, drugs, or devices, not to mention the use of auto-erotic asphyxiation (choking yourself till you pass out) not only is this STUPID!!! It's also dangerous, nearly 1,000 deaths a year, and possible brain damage.

So please do it the old fashioned way, just a hand and deep thoughts. Keep it down to what you can consider a minimum. If you want to kick it up a notch add a person. As long as your stimulating yourself and you don't get any fluids on each other this is 100% safe. No STD's and no chance of pregnancy.(And if your a stickler for details you can still call yourself a virgin.) Just make sure the other person is aware and alright with you doing this around them.

I think that this has given you some facts that will help with the "debating" and hopefully it has answered the question of weather it's right for you. Because some people just don't get off on getting themselves off. It's all in your hands, so to speak.

John Dear

P.S I would like to add a little homework to this one, If you read this please go to the bottom and add your own term for masturbation. You can post 100% anonymously and as always I like to hear if you have any extra questions/comments on the subject. Thanks

Old Flames Burn Hotter

Dear John Dear,

Recently I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine that I haven't seen in years, he
is getting married and I just got married. But every time I talk to him I
feel the same way I did years ago when we dated. I enjoy talking with him. As I sit here, I think I am going insane because I
adore this person and don't want to scare him off as a great friend, but I
can't help but to think and feel a certain way. What do you think? Am I nuts?

Sincerely,
Rushing Emotions


Dear Rushing Emotions,

No, You're not nuts. Although you are starting to walk on shaky ground. Your emotions sound a little mixed as well as rushing. You say that you don't want to scare him off as a friend, despite these rushing emotions? Unless you think that your emotions will get the better of you, and over power your mind and heart, then you shouldn't have a problem with a social relationship. Everyone thinks of the reasons why they got together with someone. What they usually leave out is how it ended. Too many times, people will "re-discover" an ex, and all they can think about is the good times. The problem with that is people rarely change, and even if they do old habits die hard, and where theres an old flame there is old smoke. People do grow, and people do change. And who knows maybe you were one of the lucky few where they relationship ended just to end. Even so; as you said your happily married, you have found someone that completes you. If he's getting married then you should hope that he has done the same.
So to tie this up, If you think there is a chance that this could move into more than old friends catching up, then you should probably try to cool the flames. At least till you have your heads in order.

Hope it all turns out in the end,
John Dear

Read At Own Risk

This Post Contains Information That Some Might Find Disturbing, All the Information is Based on Fact.


Dear John Dear,

Is it just me, or does it seem that crimes are becoming more and more our of control? Some people care no more about shooting someone than spitting on a sidewalk! Is this a warning? A sign? What do you think?

Gun Shy

Dear Gun Shy,

Sadly enough it hasn't, It isn't, It's not. Crime by its definition is out of control.(An act committed or omitted in violation of a law forbidding or commanding it and for which punishment is imposed upon conviction: According to www.thefreedictionary.com) It's not crimes that are out of control or even the problem. It's technology; because of the development of not only weapons but of the ease of information transfer. Guns are more accessible now than they were 100 years ago and because of that people are using them more. If they didn't have guns they would simply start using knifes, boomerangs, or Yo-Yo's (invented originally as a weapon)because since the beginning of time there has been crime, and since people had thing others wanted there has been murder. The only thing to change is how easy it is to find out about these things.
I don't read the newspaper because it's full of Bad News. Not things I don't want to hear, but things of people hurting people, families being broken apart, true human tragedy. Things that the most disturbed writer would never be able to come up with in a thousand years.
The book: IN Cold Blood, By Truman Capote Is about a murder in 1959 where two men broke into a family's house and after cutting the fathers throat and shooting him with a shot gun, went and with a single shot to the head killed the wife, son, and daughter, after tucking each one in bed. That was one of the most horrific murders in the 1900's. That was nearly 50 years ago!
Although the "Murder Of the Century" One of the most written and talked about killings in the past 150 years is of course, "Jack the Ripper" or "Whitechapel Murders" as they were called then was a number of serial killings.
There is no way to truly know all the details, but here was one or more persons.(here on referred as Jack) Well Jack went around and would target women of the night, Hookers, and would slit their throats then Jack would mutilate the body and take specific organs. Nearly all of these murders were committed in relatively public places and not only were their no Eye Witnesses, and no one was ever caught. This was around 1890, over 200 years ago!
These are considered to be some of the most horrific murders in history because they got the most media attention at their times. If every murder in history was as well documented as this it would be well known that it hasn't changed much at all over time.

One good example of the media and it's cause on how we view things is the Great Fire. Or the Chicago Fire of 1871, it was all started by one mad cow, and all of Chicago Burned because of it. Although at the exact same time over four hundred miles North of Chicago the town of Peshtigo, Wisconsin(along with number of other towns) Burned to the ground due to a forest fire. Somewhere near 2,500 people passed away in the fire, This remains the most deadly fire in all of written history. Though because of the remote location of the event went hardly noticed, and is completely over shadowed by the "Great" Fire Of Chicago( with an estimated 200-300 deaths)
This shows that if it doesn't make "good news"(sells papers) then its bad news, and Bad News is Good News because it's what people want to read.
If people took more stock in the good nature of people then that's what we would read about. Someone once said, "It is better to be Infamous than it is to be famous." and I agree, if you save a child from a burning building then you will be forgotten in a week, but if you set fire to the house you will be remembered for ever. Look at Hitler. He; through heinous and evil acts, is now rooted in history and on the minds of all people over the world.
The true difference is that everyone hopes to one day be the hero, no one plans on being the villain.

So people are not worse they are the same as they have always been, And that is the sad fact.
I'm sorry to tell you this but it's true and just as scary.

John Dear

Oh Sister

Dear John Dear,

My sister is 17 and I am 29, she has always been a good kid, but now she is rebeling. She will not listen to anyone, I remember doing the same, but when she confides in me, because we are very close, should I share that with my parents? I want her to be able to talk to me, but as a mother, I would want to know what my kids were up to! What should I do?

Big Sister


Dear Big Sister,

You said it's the same that you went through, but it's not. You didn't have you. You didn't have yourself as a big sister to confide to. If she's just going through the typical teenage rebel phase then let her. Unless she's doing things that could harm her in the future, Drug use, unsafe sex, hanging out with Britney Spears, anyone of those things can change her life for the worst. It is your job as both a big sister and a confidant to let her know that things could get out of hand and that your worried about her safety and well being.
Only use going to the parents as a last ditch resort. You don't want to loose her confidence in your conversations. If your parents ask you how things are going, be honest. "She is doing fine." Or "She is having some trouble right now but I think with my help she will be fine." Or "She has some problems and I'm going to need your help in helping her." Your parents will find solace in the fact that she has you to help and they just want to be informed in their daughters lives.
Family is one of the only things that is a constant for people, no matter what is said or what is done, all can be forgiven and accepted with loving arms.
If it's all just teenage turmoil then she will just ask you for advice and you having already gone through it you will be able to give her the advice as not only a sister but from the view of what she will go through in ten years, and also from the view of a mother.
On the other hand if it is something that troubles you and can not be passed off by simple advice you need to go to your parents. They have experienced life too, and only want the best for their daughters.

I hope this helps, and remember party ends with a Y not because "You gotta" but because everyone needs to ask the question, "Is this right for me" And if you have instilled good values in her she will always make the right choice.

Give her a big hug from me,

John Dear

Suicide For Dummies

Dear John Dear,

I have a question for you, Do you think Kurt Cobain really killed himself, or do you think(like I believe) that his wife [Courteny Love] killed him?

I'd love your opinion, Kurt Cobain was a great artist and Nirvana was incredible!

Have Doubts


Dear Doubts,

Some times people just die. There is only one person that knows what was going through his head; before the bullet. Fame hit him too quickly and that with the additive of drugs. It was just too much for just one person to take. I don't really know if anyone else was involved with the death of Kurt Cobain. No one will ever know for sure. Though I do agree with your theory in one aspect, He was a great performer, and he will be missed. I think he simply went the path that most great performers take. Jimmy Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Chris Farley. Some times they pass on so that we can only think of them on top. They will always be considered greats, and the fickle world that is Entertainment we have no idea how long they would last(Britney Spears).

Lets Take a moment to remember all those we have lost to the deadly mistress entertainment.










John Dear

Quick Question #4

Dear John Dear,
I am a student and I really really really don't like a lot of my classes that in my mind I will never use. Why do they teach us stuff in school that we are never gonna use?

Class Clown

Dear Class Clown,

In school they have to make sure they are covering everyones (possible) needs. Just because you will never use geometry, home economics, or wood shop, doesn't mean that someone else would. In addition I don't know a single person that hasn't considered changing their career at some point in their life. Just because you think your set in a job path doesn't mean it's something that you will want to do for the rest of your life or even all the way through college. A whole lot of people get to college and then decide, "This isn't what I thought it would be, I'll do something else."
Not to mention I always impress people when I know the formula to calculate the volume of a circle or when I know the exact temperature to heat poached eggs at, or the difference between an adjective and an adverb.
When you get older those things that you didn't care for, won't even be a memory, which is why it's impressive to recall those things a matter of a decade out of school.
Of course it's also a matter of time management, if they keep you busy eight hours a day then you are relatively out of trouble for those hours; and it prepares you for working an eight hour day when you start to work.
Although there is no reason at all to learn about how a bill becomes a law. School House Rock did it and it will forever be burned into all our minds.

Remember I before E and you add a P and that equals PIE!

John Dear

Shot Nerves

Dear John Dear,
I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for about 3 weeks. Is there anything I can do to bring myself out of this, or at least make it bearable?

About to Snap,


Dear Snap,

Yes there is, don't let it get to you. Figure out what's causing the problem, and ask yourself what's the worst that could happen. Once you figure out what the absolute worst thing there is that could ever happen. Ask if it's really that bad, I mean for most people death is the worst that can happen. That or they run out of pudding, and no pudding is worth that much worry.
That or jack off, after a good release everything kinda takes a back seat. It does for me anyway.

Good luck and happy handing,


John Dear