Once Burned Twice Shy

Dear John Dear,

How many chances are people worth? I have a friend who I dated about 4 years ago. We were together for 3 years and it ended because he wanted to go out with someone else. Then about 6 months ago we started talking again and dated, but he slept with someone else and lied to me about it so it ended again. I wasn't SO upset about the sleeping with someone else because we weren't TOGETHER, it was the lying that made me walk away. And now we've been texting and talking and we went on a casual date. I like the way he makes me feel when I'm with him, but when I'm not I just keep remembering how he's hurt me. Twice.
Then I have another ex who I dated about 8 months ago and he cheated on me. We were only together for a little over a month. He asked me out again and we went on a date. I can't decide if I should bother calling him again. My question is what determines if someone is worth another chance? Do people actually change or am I just a glutton for punishment?

Thanks,
Once Burned Twice Shy


Dear Shy,

The term that first comes to mind is, "Actions speak louder than words," And no matter how much sweet talk you get and no matter how far the relationship goes you simply have to ask yourself. "Will I always look back and doubt my choices?"
The guy that you dated years ago has already proved how much you care to him. If your feeling ever came into consideration then he has some serious social problems. Some one who cares about you won't cheat on you, and If anything were to come up, they would at least be open about how they feel about you. I really think that he is simply leading you on.
As for the other guy he's not showing that much promise when it comes to being a good suitor. Based on his past actions towards you hasn't proved very fruitful, has it?

Although to answer your latter questions, Anything! Anything is deserving of a second chance thats what makes them second chances. Anyone, Anytime, for Anything, is deserving of their second chance. Everyone has the ability of turning over their old leaf and starting a new. Not everyone actually turns it over. Some people show you the same side of their old leaf and say, "Hey, I turned over a new leaf. So Ow You Doin'?" And really all they did was distract you with the old leaf so they can bring your leaf down to their level. Now to be done with the leaf terms.
People change, not often, and not without effort, but people change. You have to allow them to show you their intentions towards you have changed. Thus the second chance.
Now when you start getting into your fourth, fifth, and nineteenth chance. You might want to start pruning the tree of those leafs. But most of all trust your gut. If you think that they have truly changed no harm in something like dinner and a movie. If you notice him never looking away from your eyes and tries to get you to go out with him again simply to get another chance to be in your presence then thats what calls for the second chance. On the other hand if during the date all they do is stare at someone ass for an hour then try to get a piece of yours. Then unless you view this as an improvement he's not worth your time.
There is someone out there for you, and they might just need that second chance, but don't be a welcome mat. Your able to establish your own rules and criteria for what makes a good relationship. Its up to you just as to what those are. A good thing to do might simply be to sit down with these guys and talk with them. You will get a gut reaction of what they feel if you tell them that, "You have hurt me before and I don't want that again." And their response is something along the lines of, "Baby, don't you worry none. That was the old me, this is the new me." If he follows that up by mentioning some sort of foliage and the changing of sides of it. You might take this as just a line. While if his reaction comes after some careful thinking and sounds a little like, "I'm sorry I've wronged you, and I know I have to build your trust back. But your worth it and I'm willing to take the time and make the effort to make us happen." You hear something like that, that might be a little less like what you find on ABC Family TV, then that is a guy that just might deserve that second chance.
Most of all trust your gut, a good relationship is built on trust and love. You must have one for the other to work, because loving someone with out trusting them is like building a house with no nails. Eventually it WILL fall apart.

Hope this helps, and good luck,
John Dear


If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com

Over Reacting Or Prepaired?

Dear John Dear,

I'm one of those people who tend to analyze things. That has caused a problem with my boyfriend and me recently. I'm analyzing my own words even as I type this.

We went out dancing recently and ran into a friend of his and his girlfriend. I have met and been around her a few times but never had a one-on-one conversation with her and don't know much about her. When we weren't dancing we were hanging out with them, talking with some other people we know, having a good time.

Later in the evening my guy and the girlfriend were dancing; that was not a problem, since I had been dancing with several other people. I noticed the girlfriend was being rather sexy with my guy, running her hands over his upper torso as she was shakin' her thang. I wasn't bothered by the physical factor of the dance and only later mentioned to him that I noticed they were doing the bump and grind because he doesn't usually dance in that fashion. Fast-forward to almost a week later and a question popped into my head ... why would she dance with my boyfriend in such a seductive way?

I brought it up to him and he said she approached him, saying, "Let's make your girlfriend jealous," and he agreed.

I feel I was disrespected in so many ways! This immature 23-year-old girl, who doesn't know anything about me, thought it would amusing to incite jealousy, and my guy went along with it. My friends witnessed it and pointed it out; otherwise I would've missed the whole thing. But I'm glad I know the intent behind the situation. That's what has me so livid: the intent. He said he only went along with it thinking he would get laid. Am I really supposed to believe that? Sounds like bullshit to me, or are guys just that dumb? Or do they just pretend to be dumb when they know they screwed up?
I have made it very clear that I was disrespected in so many ways and he acknowledges it, but the acknowledgment seems more like an "Oh my God, would you please shut up about this" rather than true remorse for blatant disrespect.

How can he admit I was disrespected and then say I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion? I'm deeply disturbed that he would allow someone to try to fuck with my head. Knowing that she said the words, "Let's make your girlfriend jealous," and that he agreed speaks volumes to me. What do you think?

Analyst

Dear Analyst,

You have said it your self, You tend to over analyze things. This isn't a bad thing at all, It allows you to make calculated decisions that will typically keep you out of trouble and allow you to put in very intelligent remarks and responses when other people are left stuttering.
Although this also causes you to react slowly or not at all, sometimes you simply can't wait till the moment is perfect. Sometimes you need to go with your gut, because we all know that if you start rolling things around in your head something will eventually get knocked loose or break.
You didn't take anything from it until your friends pointed it out because there was nothing wrong with his actions. As you said you both knew these people you called them "friends". Could it be possible that maybe your friends pushed you in the direction of being angry because that is what their reaction would have been?
You didn't react angry at first because you are the type of person who when they do think something over they weigh all the options. Seeing how you were dancing with other people yourself you simply dismissed it because you viewed that as fair. It didn't even surface until your friends 'told' you, your reaction should be in the angry direction.
This simple answer here is the easiest Your boyfriend IS that STUPID.
Its possible that he saw you dancing with someone else and didn't want to mellow around on the dance floor and after being approached by this "friend" He took it as a good way to get your attention to come back over and dance with him. He could have started dancing with a random person out on the floor that night and he chose not to. He saw this friend as just a means to get you back, and someone who could never be a threat to you at all. Thats why when you asked him later he simply told you the truth, "She said, 'Lets make your girlfriend jealous.'" It wasn't trying to show her power over you, NO! Maybe she simply wanted to dance, and she saw that you had taken your attention away from him, and took it as a chance to kill two birds with one stone.
I bet if you would have just walked over, said nothing, and started dancing with your boyfriend. She would have backed off and he would have been no the wiser.
The fact that he agreed that she had disrespected you, simply could have came as an after thought now that he can see that your upset. He just didn't want to go into it too much because to him it WASN'T that much of a deal and you are blowing it out of proportion.
I don't think you were blowing it out of proportion, You being who you are simply came to a conclusion in your head even before you brought it up with your boyfriend. There was nothing he was able to say that would have been able to put you at ease. In your mind you had even played out everything that could have been worse up to the point of him saying, "I'm leaving you for Dancing Girl" because you wanted to be prepared for that. You played out all these negative outcomes that the whole situation because that bad and worse.
What you need to do is just sit down with him. Make sure the TV is off, and talk for 15 minutes. No longer, Just 15 minutes. All you have to do is look at each other eye to eye, and tell him why your hurt and what about it hurt you. Then allow him to tell you what he was thinking, remain calm and just listen till hes done. More than likely even after you asked him about it he still didn't see anything wrong with it. He just thinks your "OVER REACTING" So tell him why it hurt and listen to him. I bet, if he is anything like a good boyfriend, he will apologize and take more caution in the future and if you keep doing this he will start to understand your mind set and therefore be able to put you at ease and communicate with you later if and when anything else comes up like this.

Hope this helped,
John Dear

Dear John, Letters

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80's Tech Back to Haunt Me

Whats the deal with 80s movie characters popping up in my tv shows now! Last week watching Eli Stone after Lost, I couldnt place where I have seen the name actor from before, It was his voice and the way he stands, then suddenly it hit me!!! CRASH OVERIDE!!! From Hackers!!! He was the main character from one of my all time favorite Computer Nerd Movies!
Then today when lost came on, I was all the more suprised when I couldnt place one of the new actors on the show. First it was all in his eyes, those eyes are very distinct, and then he spoke, He has really aged and lost the blonde hair to age, grew a beard and needs a shave... But it is Jobe... Jobe From the Lawn Mower Man. Another movie that has to do with 3D environments and cutting edge tech. I mean is ever actor that hasent had a part in the past 15 years all the sudden going to pop up on ABC?