Dear John Dear,
I'm one of those people who tend to analyze things. That has caused a problem with my boyfriend and me recently. I'm analyzing my own words even as I type this.
We went out dancing recently and ran into a friend of his and his girlfriend. I have met and been around her a few times but never had a one-on-one conversation with her and don't know much about her. When we weren't dancing we were hanging out with them, talking with some other people we know, having a good time.
Later in the evening my guy and the girlfriend were dancing; that was not a problem, since I had been dancing with several other people. I noticed the girlfriend was being rather sexy with my guy, running her hands over his upper torso as she was shakin' her thang. I wasn't bothered by the physical factor of the dance and only later mentioned to him that I noticed they were doing the bump and grind because he doesn't usually dance in that fashion. Fast-forward to almost a week later and a question popped into my head ... why would she dance with my boyfriend in such a seductive way?
I brought it up to him and he said she approached him, saying, "Let's make your girlfriend jealous," and he agreed.
I feel I was disrespected in so many ways! This immature 23-year-old girl, who doesn't know anything about me, thought it would amusing to incite jealousy, and my guy went along with it. My friends witnessed it and pointed it out; otherwise I would've missed the whole thing. But I'm glad I know the intent behind the situation. That's what has me so livid: the intent. He said he only went along with it thinking he would get laid. Am I really supposed to believe that? Sounds like bullshit to me, or are guys just that dumb? Or do they just pretend to be dumb when they know they screwed up?
I have made it very clear that I was disrespected in so many ways and he acknowledges it, but the acknowledgment seems more like an "Oh my God, would you please shut up about this" rather than true remorse for blatant disrespect.
How can he admit I was disrespected and then say I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion? I'm deeply disturbed that he would allow someone to try to fuck with my head. Knowing that she said the words, "Let's make your girlfriend jealous," and that he agreed speaks volumes to me. What do you think?
Analyst
Dear Analyst,
You have said it your self, You tend to over analyze things. This isn't a bad thing at all, It allows you to make calculated decisions that will typically keep you out of trouble and allow you to put in very intelligent remarks and responses when other people are left stuttering.
Although this also causes you to react slowly or not at all, sometimes you simply can't wait till the moment is perfect. Sometimes you need to go with your gut, because we all know that if you start rolling things around in your head something will eventually get knocked loose or break.
You didn't take anything from it until your friends pointed it out because there was nothing wrong with his actions. As you said you both knew these people you called them "friends". Could it be possible that maybe your friends pushed you in the direction of being angry because that is what their reaction would have been?
You didn't react angry at first because you are the type of person who when they do think something over they weigh all the options. Seeing how you were dancing with other people yourself you simply dismissed it because you viewed that as fair. It didn't even surface until your friends 'told' you, your reaction should be in the angry direction.
This simple answer here is the easiest Your boyfriend IS that STUPID.
Its possible that he saw you dancing with someone else and didn't want to mellow around on the dance floor and after being approached by this "friend" He took it as a good way to get your attention to come back over and dance with him. He could have started dancing with a random person out on the floor that night and he chose not to. He saw this friend as just a means to get you back, and someone who could never be a threat to you at all. Thats why when you asked him later he simply told you the truth, "She said, 'Lets make your girlfriend jealous.'" It wasn't trying to show her power over you, NO! Maybe she simply wanted to dance, and she saw that you had taken your attention away from him, and took it as a chance to kill two birds with one stone.
I bet if you would have just walked over, said nothing, and started dancing with your boyfriend. She would have backed off and he would have been no the wiser.
The fact that he agreed that she had disrespected you, simply could have came as an after thought now that he can see that your upset. He just didn't want to go into it too much because to him it WASN'T that much of a deal and you are blowing it out of proportion.
I don't think you were blowing it out of proportion, You being who you are simply came to a conclusion in your head even before you brought it up with your boyfriend. There was nothing he was able to say that would have been able to put you at ease. In your mind you had even played out everything that could have been worse up to the point of him saying, "I'm leaving you for Dancing Girl" because you wanted to be prepared for that. You played out all these negative outcomes that the whole situation because that bad and worse.
What you need to do is just sit down with him. Make sure the TV is off, and talk for 15 minutes. No longer, Just 15 minutes. All you have to do is look at each other eye to eye, and tell him why your hurt and what about it hurt you. Then allow him to tell you what he was thinking, remain calm and just listen till hes done. More than likely even after you asked him about it he still didn't see anything wrong with it. He just thinks your "OVER REACTING" So tell him why it hurt and listen to him. I bet, if he is anything like a good boyfriend, he will apologize and take more caution in the future and if you keep doing this he will start to understand your mind set and therefore be able to put you at ease and communicate with you later if and when anything else comes up like this.
Hope this helped,
John Dear
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