Once Burned Twice Shy

Dear John Dear,

How many chances are people worth? I have a friend who I dated about 4 years ago. We were together for 3 years and it ended because he wanted to go out with someone else. Then about 6 months ago we started talking again and dated, but he slept with someone else and lied to me about it so it ended again. I wasn't SO upset about the sleeping with someone else because we weren't TOGETHER, it was the lying that made me walk away. And now we've been texting and talking and we went on a casual date. I like the way he makes me feel when I'm with him, but when I'm not I just keep remembering how he's hurt me. Twice.
Then I have another ex who I dated about 8 months ago and he cheated on me. We were only together for a little over a month. He asked me out again and we went on a date. I can't decide if I should bother calling him again. My question is what determines if someone is worth another chance? Do people actually change or am I just a glutton for punishment?

Thanks,
Once Burned Twice Shy


Dear Shy,

The term that first comes to mind is, "Actions speak louder than words," And no matter how much sweet talk you get and no matter how far the relationship goes you simply have to ask yourself. "Will I always look back and doubt my choices?"
The guy that you dated years ago has already proved how much you care to him. If your feeling ever came into consideration then he has some serious social problems. Some one who cares about you won't cheat on you, and If anything were to come up, they would at least be open about how they feel about you. I really think that he is simply leading you on.
As for the other guy he's not showing that much promise when it comes to being a good suitor. Based on his past actions towards you hasn't proved very fruitful, has it?

Although to answer your latter questions, Anything! Anything is deserving of a second chance thats what makes them second chances. Anyone, Anytime, for Anything, is deserving of their second chance. Everyone has the ability of turning over their old leaf and starting a new. Not everyone actually turns it over. Some people show you the same side of their old leaf and say, "Hey, I turned over a new leaf. So Ow You Doin'?" And really all they did was distract you with the old leaf so they can bring your leaf down to their level. Now to be done with the leaf terms.
People change, not often, and not without effort, but people change. You have to allow them to show you their intentions towards you have changed. Thus the second chance.
Now when you start getting into your fourth, fifth, and nineteenth chance. You might want to start pruning the tree of those leafs. But most of all trust your gut. If you think that they have truly changed no harm in something like dinner and a movie. If you notice him never looking away from your eyes and tries to get you to go out with him again simply to get another chance to be in your presence then thats what calls for the second chance. On the other hand if during the date all they do is stare at someone ass for an hour then try to get a piece of yours. Then unless you view this as an improvement he's not worth your time.
There is someone out there for you, and they might just need that second chance, but don't be a welcome mat. Your able to establish your own rules and criteria for what makes a good relationship. Its up to you just as to what those are. A good thing to do might simply be to sit down with these guys and talk with them. You will get a gut reaction of what they feel if you tell them that, "You have hurt me before and I don't want that again." And their response is something along the lines of, "Baby, don't you worry none. That was the old me, this is the new me." If he follows that up by mentioning some sort of foliage and the changing of sides of it. You might take this as just a line. While if his reaction comes after some careful thinking and sounds a little like, "I'm sorry I've wronged you, and I know I have to build your trust back. But your worth it and I'm willing to take the time and make the effort to make us happen." You hear something like that, that might be a little less like what you find on ABC Family TV, then that is a guy that just might deserve that second chance.
Most of all trust your gut, a good relationship is built on trust and love. You must have one for the other to work, because loving someone with out trusting them is like building a house with no nails. Eventually it WILL fall apart.

Hope this helps, and good luck,
John Dear


If you would like help or have any questions or comments please e-mail me at doughnutbro@gmail.com